The Ten Commandments Of Secular Society

Something I was thinking of. It's a mish-mash of strong atheistic culture and consumerist culture. I'm not so great with Middle English, though, so if anyone would like to make any corrections, then please do.

1. Thou are thine own God, which Darwin hath brought thee out of the land of Israel, out of the house of Christendom. Thou shalt have no other gods before thineself: For when thine preserveth thineself, thine prospereth.
   
2. Thou shalt not honour any authority, or any likeness of any thing that is of heaven above, or that in the earth beneath: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for thou are against heaven; thou would prefereth honour of that in the water under the earth.
   
3. Thou shalt take preference in taking the name of the LORD thine Enemy in vain; for thine friends might take offence to the F word.
   
4. Remember the weekend, to keep it wholly filled with pleasures. Five days shalt thou permit labour, and do some of thy work: But the two rest days are the days of pleasure: Thou shalt freely be excused from any work and indulge in pleasure: For pleasure releaseth endorphins, which fueleth the chemical processes in thine brain, which decideth all thine morality.
   
5. Honour thy father and thy mother; dishonour thine brothers and sisters.
   
6. Thou shalt not kill or sterilise those who further the Evolutionary process for humanity; though shalt kill or make infertile those who dwindle behind; thou shalt kill thineself if it furtherest the Evolutionary process.
   
7. Thou shalt not forbid homosexuality. Thou wilt defend thine homosexual brothers by inflaming thine Christian enemies.
   
8. Thou shalt only steal from thine brothers when they are representest by large corporations, whom hath power to condemn thee.
   
9. Thou shalt witness against thy Christian neighbours and cloak thine hypocrisy.
   
10. Thou shalt not refrain from spending thy money on what thou lusteth for. For thine wallet is given to thee, and is deserveth to thee, and if thou neighbour hath what you desirest, either thou deservest, or thine neighbour not.